Learning: What Am I Feeling? The 5 Steps of Emotion Coaching...

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What Am I Feeling?

The Five Steps of Emotion Coaching

John Gottman, Ph.D. & Talaris Research Institute

Emotions...we all have them. Everything we do and everything we learn is shaped in some way by the way we feel. Feelings are a natural part of who we are.

But how do children learn about emotions? How does a child learn how to deal with sadness or joy? What is appropriate behavior when these feelings are strong? What can we do when our children explode in anger or hide in fear?

We spend lots of time teaching our children important things such as reading or tying shoes. Taking time to help our children learn to handle their feelings is important too.

Research shows that children who understand their feelings and learn to handle their emotions do better in many ways:

They form stronger friendships with other children.
They calm themselves down more quickly when they get upset.
They do better in school.
They handle their moods better and have fewer negative emotions.
They bounce back more quickly from strong emotional events.
They get sick less often.

Becoming an Emotion Coach

Emotion Coaching is a research-based way to help children handle their feelings. With this approach, children learn how emotions work and how to behave in healthy ways when feelings are strong.

Emotion Coaching starts with recognizing and sharing your child's feelings. It's wonderful to share the joys of childhood, but drawing close to a child who is angry or sad can take some practice. It takes time to teach children about feelings and appropriate behaviors. It is time well spent. Your relationship with your child will be stronger and your child will be more prepared for the challenges life brings.

Step 1. Emotional Awareness

Recognizing your own emotions first.

Get in touch with your own emotions, from happiness to sadness to anger.
Understand that emotions are a natural and valuable part of life.
Observe, listen, and learn how children express different emotions.
Watch for changes in facial expressions, body language, posture, and tone of voice.

Step 2: Connecting

Connect with children during emotional moments.

Pay close attention to a child's emotions. Don't dismiss or avoid them.
See emotional moments as opportunities for drawing close and teaching.
Share in their feelings and encourage children to talk about their emotions.
Provide guidance before emotions escalate into a crisis.

Step 3: Listening

Listen with empathy and honor the emotions of children.

Take a child's emotions seriously.
Show a child that you understand what they are feeling.
Avoid judging or criticizing a child's emotions.

Step 4: Naming Emotions

Help children identify and name their emotions.

Identify the emotions they are experiencing instead of telling them how they should feel.
Naming emotions helps soothe children.
Set a good example by naming your own emotions and talking about them.
Help children build a vocabulary for their different feelings.

Step 5: Finding Good Solutions

Support children as they explore appropriate solutions to problems.

Discipline misbehaving children for what they do, not for what they feel.
When children misbehave, help them to identify their feelings and explain why their behavior was inappropriate.
Encourage emotional expression, but set clear limits on behavior.
Help children think through possible solutions.

The five steps of Emotion Coaching are based on research from Dr. John Gottman. The complete "What Am I Feeling?" book, co-authored by Dr. Gottman and Talaris Research Institute, is available through www.ParentingPress.com or by calling 1-800-992-6657. Additional research spotlights on emotion coaching and parenting styles are available at Http://www.talaris.org/spotlights.